I am not responsible for the image of me that you expected.
I remember as young as six I was very aware of how much lighter I was compared to my mom. I would do my best to be outside all day in the sun so my skin would darken. I could never get my hair
under control either. It used to make me self-conscious. It wouldn't curl like my mom's hair. My hair was too thin to use her shampoo and too coily for others. I wanted to resemble her more, so people would stop asking. So, I wouldn't have to prove anything. That was how I became aware of personas. The identity that was assigned to me. I tried to change that persona.
"I'm basically the white version of my mom"
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I'd show a picture and imitate her smile. It hurt saying that for so long. It felt limiting. Like I could only be an artificial "me".
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Cultural norms attach connotations to skin tones.
I know that many see me as white passing, because of the comments and jokes that have been made around me. Others think I belong to a completely different group, and it puts me in uncomfortable situations.
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"Why didn't you ever learn your people's language?"
Because I am not that people. Is there a point of explaining? Would I even be believed?
"Why did your parents make that decision?"
Well it's not like I was for that. What do you expect me to say in response?
"Why didn't your mother marry one of her own?"
I guess because she decided not to, why does this matter so much? It doesn't change that I am here.
It becomes harder when people think I am lying.
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That is when their expectations weigh heavy on me. Why would I lie? What
does that do for me? People
sometimes can't understand. Can't or won't. Being mixed is ok, as long as it fits what they see. I kept putting myself in others limited understanding. I am mixed, not a "version" of someone else. I shouldn't feel ashamed for not living up to an image.
"So, what are you anyway?"
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I am half African American, half European.
"So, you're just a mutt, aren't you?"
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I hate that word. Mutt.
It makes me sound like something other, not a person not part of a group. Something that isn't clean and isn't wanted. You don't usually hear mutt used in a positive light.
It's like I am being classified as a stupid dog, without class, without love.
I was called that last summer by a boy who was trying to guess my race. It's always uncomfortable when people try to guess like it's a game. I feel like I'm being inspected under a microscope. Like they are picking out different features on my face and classifying where they should belong. Everything from my hair to my clothes to how I speak.
"No no, don't tell me I can figure it out"
I'm positive you'll be wrong.
He was wrong, and disappointed too.
"So, you're just a mutt"
He wasn't disappointed enough to ask for my number.
No, no I am not a mutt.
I don't understand why anyone gets disappointed. My race isn't a mystery for anyone else to solve. There is no prize for being right, so why do people get so upset when they are wrong?
Does it make others uncomfortable being confronted? Am I that thing that makes them feel uncomfortable? Do they even consider how I feel?
How they make me uncomfortable?
The curiosity doesn't bother me, in fact I enjoy it. I'm proud of my family. I'm proud of my complexity. Our identities are so much more than just the personas that are given to us. The intimacy of myself cannot be discovered through my skin, eyes, nose, lips. At times I still struggle with my persona. I wonder what version of her is on display for the world. It's an insecurity that sits at the back of my mind, but it doesn't demand my attention anymore.
I embrace my own ambiguity. It is mine.
